Dot Dot Dot....

I connected the dots of friday's event when pastor munene shared during a singles meeting in reconnect....
i learnt something in school the other day most often when something unpleasant happens people tend to push it in the subconscious and move on,most times this event or tragedy is forgotten to them until something similar happens that brings back that memory to the conscious....when the teacher stated the facts were most of those whom did this were women, especially victims of rape, child molest, and broken hearts....

Now mine was not a tragedy and though painful its something i pushed away so that i can move on with my life, honesty i did move on for a while and acted like it never happened or he never existed,
but that friday all hell kinda broke loose....i learnt that apparently some men know our thinking pattern so girls be thou warned....

You see unlike anyother creature women believe that nothing happens out of chance,everything has a reason,and like peter odanga likes to say every face has a story......so as women we like connecting things,the dots no matter how long it takes will connect at some point...so on that day a friend of mine wrote to me,and i couldnt stop smiling, then i went on a panick mode! I rushed to the ladies room and i started crying, funny thing is as i looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself (ok chick this is way too much drama!! Whats wrong now?) i remembered how lets call him joe, had written to me when we were getting to know each other, that email brought with it painful memories and all i could mumble beneath the tears that were freely flowing was "please God i cant do this again...i dont have the strength or tools to handle it, i reminded him how i had given my heart for him to keep and hide me so that i wouldnt have to deal with another broken heart.....you see by reading my friends email it had opened up old closed cans of worms...of promises broken, of sacrifices forgotten, of a heart melted,of memories distorted...

I know of women who live in fear of dating again, i dint think i was until this incident. That all this time i was afraid, some of us have us have moved on with out dealing and healing the broken heart, but we constantly live in fear that one day that guy in our life will either cheat on us,lie to us or just leave us....when a guy even shows any of the sign associated with what joe did or say we automatically start judging and connecting dots,drawing conclusions...
We need to let go of what happened in the past inorder to live in the future, we need to let go of all the insecurities, we need to like who we are, we need to believe in ourselves and know that we are powerful beyond measure, we need a relationship with God, for only he knows us for he created us,we need to stop being the victims and be the victor!....we need to be forgiven inorder to forgive....we need to heal so as to love,

Imagine me,being free trusting you totally...finally i can imagine me.....
That evening as passi prayed all i could mumble beneath the tears flowing down my cheeks was Fix me Lord, fix this hurting heart,heal me and let me forgive.......

Wanjiku Ndungu

Mountain Climbing

For everyone who has tried going up the mountain before will tell you that if your not in shape then better re-consider something else, so no i havent been in good shape lately, and yes i have good reasons for not waking up early to exercise like other normal days...but still i set out mountain climbing for a week am actually almost at the mountain peak since its friday and man !! the view,the anticipation ,the relief,the moment ive been waiting for is almost near, i dont know how many of us have seen the ribena advert..the way that purple berry just burst its beautiful,smooth,exciting purple colour,sweet !!! yep so you can imagine am going to be on top of this mountain on sunday. the camera flashing, my friends cheering, my mission accoplished, my answers waiting,my fruits riping, hey it may even rain the Lord does have a good sense of homour, he likes to introduce and celebrate his own in style.

I know what your thinking, so what people have climbed mountains before ?? and al tell you yes, they have hell ive attempted many times before !! i only lasted a day or two and in those days all i did was complain and nag, asking God why ? do i really need to do this ?? whens the next meal ?? ohh Lord i cant and honestly it was so pathetic !! so how did i make it this far this time ?? well it was LOVE, yep they say love can make you do crazy things...climb mountains,cross valleys,die for people and hey love people before you even met them !! what was backstreet thinking ??
remember the days when you were in high school and its friday and guys will receive letters , smelling of perfume and sfter reading it at the bottm there would be the DEDICATIONS .

dedication

for you i will by monica
soledad by west life
i knew i loved you before i met you -backstreet boyz
as long as you love me by backstreet boys...

sounds familiar huh!! well thats what got me..i got myself the love bug !! i mean how could i not fall for him ?? he is the perfect thing that ever happened to me, he is the kinda guy you take home to meet mama !! he is kind,he listens,he patient,loving,caring,understands,humble,faithful,he provides and protects me i mean i would be crazy not to have done this for him, he loves mountain climbing, he explained it this way, visualise it,

Me and my beloved walking hand in hand, throught the expedition peaks, smilling and laughing and enjoying each others company,the ropes and safety harness tying us together as we conquired steep rocks climbing up, mastering the grasps when faced with the steep copped peaks, slidding through the steeper terrains yelling all the way,beating the altitude sickness that would have me throwing up two days in a row...baby if we could beat the altitude and terrain we could beat up anything that came our way.....how could i say no to that ?? how could i say no to spending time with the love of my life, giving myself, my whole self fully and completly to him to have his way with me, intimacy at its deepest of levels, of couse it was hard, i cried, pleaded to go back home but this time he held my hand, he carried me, he gave me water to drink, he nursed me back to health,five days later we still holding hands,giggling, as we climbing on higher by each passing second,minute,hour and day....loving and cherishing each moment we spend together,making memories through this journey to remind us why we need to take this trip every so often.....


Love breeds sacrifice, and my sacrifise to this mountain has costed me, food,facebook,television and some friends..... as i come to a close in my fast this week i cant help but fall in love with you more Lord...i loved, i served,i danced,i sang, i listened and heard....

psalm 84

i love you LORD.

Wanjiku Ndungu

WHEN AM UP TO NO GOOD,GOD IS UP TO SOMETHING GOOOD !!!

what can i say thats what ive been feeling for the past two weeks, i mean there were so many questions with no answers,or maybe answers that i dint like to hear, i wanted everything to just stand still let me cry and grieve, let this pain all come out damn !!! why do i alwsys end up on at the same door over and over again ? my heart was tired,weak and hurt. there was little i could do about it so i wanted to get back or hit back on the pain i did but it only lasted for a while..........

yesterday i read proverbs 3:5 trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding....i sang and held to that verse as if it was the only thing that kept me sane, i talked to God the whole day just saying forgive me and restore me....i met friends who encourage me and walked and listened and prayed with me. for a normal person ciku was fine for those who know me well, i was breaking apart.

so yesterday as i was being restored some friends surprised me with a belated birthday white chocolate cake....ive never had a cake for my birthday !!!i couldnt stop smilling, i almost burst out crying....they sang,we ate,they made jokes and it was fun, at a time when i was feeling all alone God was behind the scenes preparing me for a greater day,greater fellowship.....

Today i woke up and lingered in bed a little while i talked to God and told him my fears,my dreams and concerns, i opened his word and read hannah's story (the barren woman who finaly got a child by the name of samuel and offered him to God for service)i read about how that woman prayed earnestly without ceasing to God....and man did i love her faith !!! i finished my devotion with psalms 37:4 take delight in the Lord and he will grant you the desires of your Heart...

I have a smile on my face today for am delighting in my Lord,My God is up to something today.

ciiku

AM A WOMAN-inspired by Lawi Mwangi

Its 3:30am again, heh God clearly comes at odd hours he he he remember no one knows the day, the time,nor the hour of his coming so when he calls regardless of what time it is! I will answer....
Here am Lord what would you have me do?

So today i finally confessed, becaming a house wife is not such a bad idea,especially when your children are still young and trying to learn all this growing up stuff....i know what your thinking! No it has nothing to do with the fact that Imani Maina was baptized today i mean she is a beautiful baby Wah! Or the fact that i was surrounded with so many mmmm 92 other babies yea the sermon was tricky today he he he babies crying but interesting all the same.....so later today as i was confessing my new found motherly instinct it kinda came as a surprise! Ok let me introduce you to ciiku 5 years ago or rather all life till recently...Corporate woman,closing deals in style,high heels shoes,killer mini suit, professional make up, black bmw,black brief case, gold and visa cards, a flirty mode when needed,and a scent you wouldnt forget even if you tried to! I was out to get the world,out to be a man...out to prove that a woman can do anything and even more than a man can, marriage was well if it happened fine if it dint a house in nyali,a weekend at the bahamas and hell even a vibrator would come in handy.... As for babies well my dears that was definately not my calling i mean every baby i carried screamed their lungs out!! Its like they were screaming chick this aint your forte find your path he he he he

So two years ago all this started to come into shape the killer job,killer contracts and deals,shaking hands with important people,some holiday here and there and living life in the fast lane! Was loving it! I had everything i wanted ! At the end of each day i would go home or in a restaurant and have supper, i would be sitted there all alone and even after celebrating a big deal closed in the office i couldnt get to celebrate it out of the office...i mean i had friends but hardly had time to see them, couldnt call my family coz ive bounced going home for a month and they couldnt take my word that i would make it the next weekend.....

Today evening a saw a woman lying in a trench beside the road,for me nairobi is cold and the way she was dressed wasnt helping at all....she was drunk,she was weeping, and this man they were with asked her to alight from the mat that they were in but she wouldnt. So he came out shoved her on the pavement and started driving off....some people crowded and i had to leave,

We live in the man era so its called and as women we constantly try to beat men in so many ways! I mean look at us we are successful, we are famous,we are intelligent, and man cant we multi task! As men were being Created by God,He took time to Design women. He knew exactly what he was doing when he created you a woman, God took his time to instill the water tanks in your eyes that just start when we have a woishe moment,he created a fragile heart coz he knew loving a man well its not easy he he he,God created those open arms for me to hug even the unhuggeble(i try to stop but i cant:)). He created us strong to face even the most toughest situations and still come out scarred but alive, He created in us a hope when everyone else has given up. He created in us motherly instincts to care and love even those who have hurt us along the way, If God was to do an advert about a woman i guarantee you we would all vuka to the better option.

Am a Woman and am here to stay, so as i climb this ladder to my career this is the one thing i dont want to forget.....as i plan to put on my killer suit and close deals,as i make business calls and get the urge to be flirtatious i remind myself am a woman,act like a lady think like a man-steve harvey...he he he i dont think so....man enough to be a woman-jayne courty and how to became a man by john birma somethng....Men play dirty women play dirtier and in the process loose not only their morals,self worth,esteem coz as much as you try to hide it,nothing that happens in the dark will not come to light,

i know people say live life its never that serious....i say would rather live life being me than being buried as someone else.
Aretha franklin's a rose still a rose...baby girl your still a flower....so no matter what has happened in the past, the angels stand in awe of you because you are fearfully and wonderfully made....

Genesis 2:22-23

Lady of Security- My daddy issues

I know what your think! Nah honestly i dont, for those who read one of the notes in search of a father well this is a continuation and sort of different look of the note....

I woke up that morning with no joy or peace in my heart, the events of the past week were nothing to write home about, i felt ashamed,angry and couldnt stand myself...questions of does God still love me? How does he view me now? What is wrong with me! Dint i know better again what was i thinking! Its hard asking yourself all this questions without getting any answers kinda makes it worse actually......

Lets give him a name and call him ...'peter, so peter and i were friends very close but not dating or anything we enjoyed each others company nothing was demanded from either of us and it was just good having someone that i could talk to, you know the kinda guy where no strings are attached just great,hang out and all...so we had been "hanging out for a couple of months and it was great until this day we were at a party and decided to crash at his place. I mean we had been around each other for sometime and the boundaries were clear but like they say sometimes its the lack of opportunity that holds us from doing somethings so this was an opportunity and as we were watching this love story there was tight hugging and next thing i was kissing him. I stopped at some point and started crying and telling him how wrong it was and that it should never happen again.After a weeks it happened again and i dint have anything to yell about coz clearly i would look dumb saying one thing and totally doing something different. So i decided i would do it like a man you know with no feelings or emotions besides wasnt anything just harmless friendship with benefits right??

We watch a lot of talk shows especially american ones the likes of tyra banks and oprah and see alot of women come to the show and air their family issues on tv and i know like me most of us have vowed never ever! Even thought that this women were weak you know so what if your daddy abused you when you were a child life starts again! So what if you never met your daddy deal with it! So what if your daddy said you will never amount to anything! So what if your daddy was polygamus, So what if your daddy never loved you! So what this and that....yea they are pretty lame so we think.....How do you view God?

So one day peter asks me do you think your dad loves you? Looked him straight in the eye and told him i wasnt going to have that discussion with him, he apologised and asked again this time thinking he was framing it better so he asked do you know your dad loves you? I just started weeping....i burst out of the room and i came face to the reality that honestly i couldnt answer that question! I mean tell me how many of our african fathers tell us what they think of us. How many fathers tell their kids of how proud they are of them? I loved my father and honesty speaking every person i dated had to have some characteristics of him....problem is same way i viewed my father is the same way i viewed God! I just dint know how or what he thought of me, i went through life trying to fill that love with different people...had crazy expectations in the relationships i was in. Women all over the world want one thing Security,the desire to be cherished and loved and accepted. And if one dint experience this with their father chances are they will be looking for it somewhere else...or we will have the "i can do it like a man " bunch of women, so they work hard climb the cooperate ladder and mostly referred to as the lady of terror dont be fooled all that is just a face yes we can put it on so well but deep down we long to be secure he will never leave you nor forsake you,this is my favorate verse in the bible but it never made sense until that sunday when i couldnt stop weeping and praying and finally made the drive to my parents house....i was ready to either have it all or loose it all, i was at a point where if my dad and i dint resolve things that happened in the past i just would continue being afraid, not committing,always trying to find fault in a relationship and taking an exit, never opening my heart to really accept being loved and to love back....it was either my relationship with my father or my relationship with my God because if thats how i viewed him then how will i ever trust him how would i trust God that he loved me and cared for and wanted the best for me. I was tired of being the man in my relationships always trying to call the shots,always having unrealistic expectations in relationships,always wanting to be affirmed that i was loved and cared for....

As i prayed for God's favour that day i talked to dad, about my relationship with him,with my other siblings,his relationship with my mother and all of us as a family.....we talked bout my insecurities my view of God, bout my relationship with men and my fears......its like i was finally saying everything that was bottled inside me and this time the right person was listening. He listened, explained where he need to,apologised,assured his love to me and prayed for me. Not in a million years did i ever thought it would go the way it did.......

Was watching how i met your mother and barney was saying. Wat for it.........yea that he loved bimbos coz they had so much daddy issues so they were easy to sleep with and do whatever since the bimbo was accepting anything that came along to find the daddy they never had.

abraham's daughter

A lady of faith and Virtue

Faith its defination always puzzles me. Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see....honestly speaking sometimes i think this is just crazy! But then i fail to explain how i can pray and believe for something and it actually happens and comes true! So my intelligent question is what do i have to loose? So ye beautiful women please make me understand why we pray and believe God for so many big things in our lives you know the promotion at work, our health, more salary,that beautiful house weve been eyeing and scholarship those fees etc but the one thing that we secretly and ceasingly pray for but dont really believe God is really interested in that part of our lives.

I remember many are the time i prayed and told God you can handle all this but the relationship bit you know am good at this so please let me do my thing.....and girls dint i do many stupid things! Its funny how we panic when we find ourselves living in make-sparse estates or going to male sparse churches ha ha ha. Believe you me am laughing at myself just thinking of how i used to complain that our church had no potential men to get married to....

There are so many things women have done inorder to get a man, visited different churches,gone to retreats,travelled to back and forth in different towns,joined a choir and so many other stuff. Some which ive done my self and honestly after this so called relationships dint work out all i felt was drained drained and more drained! Girls if there is one thing am learning right now is that God does not need our clever chance rendezvous to give us a man. Same way we pray about all things we want in our lives we should pray for relationships with other people....


God knows the desires of your heart and yes the amount little piece of faith i have am believing that even if your in the jungle God is not limited by your circumstances and geographical location he knows your desires and he will bring them into accomplishment...recent studies have shown that the older a woman get the less preference and demands on the life partner becames....thats why we find women in their late twenties and early thirties settling not only for what God had not planned for them but their expectations as well. Check out this example.

20yrs old
-a godly man
-does not drink alcohol or smoke
-kind and gentle
-honest.

25 years old
-a godly man
-only drinks and smokes casually
-kind

29-35 years old
-at least goes to church
-drink and smoke casually
-can put up with me.

God dint create us to settle he created us to get the best which is him then the second best the man he chooses for us. So please let us not hesitate to live life dont pass opportunities to travel and go for missions just cause you think life will pass you by no God will come through at his appointed time...lets soak our energies in the things of God.

Lady of virtue.....

What is the one thing that you love about your body....wait for it..my hips! Oh how i love them! ...now this is me imagining them 30 years from now....i know not a pretty picture at all! Thing is if i dude is to like what he sees in my outward appearance and 30years from now it fades what next? So does this mean that when am ugly i wont get married or when my beauty fades i will no longer be loved? No, thats why as women we are called to cultivate our inner beauty....please indulge me.

I remember sometime back whenever i would go to a wedding i would check out the bride and honestly some i would conclude were not as preety but later on i would get to know the bride and man would i swallow whateter comment i had made about them i found them to have qualities to die for kindness,gentleness,good listeners etc am happy to say that some are good friends till today and i draw and learn so much from them.

When you read proverbs 31 you think perfection i think opportunity...how lucky are we as women that God allowed solomon to put this wise characteristics down i mean there they are plain in black and white this the way a christian or any woman for that matter should carry themselves!

So am taking a challenge this month am praying and exersing provers 31:1 a wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies....lets dig up info on rubies,lets pray that God will develop this character in us that we will find ourselves worth.

For some of us life hasnt been so fair, am talking about rape,abusive relationships,angry parents and spouses,taken advantage of by friends and so many other things which had yielded to insecurity,jealousy,envy,selfishness,pity,anger and lack of self esteem and lack of self worth. I weep when i think of such things but i thank my God in heaven who is merciful and loving to us. My dear God can heal your pain, he can take it all away and give you a new lease of life. Am a testimony of what lack of self esteem can do to a person and believe me its not something i would wish any of you to go through....i thank God ive found my worth in christ and everyday he gives me a bucket full of love to share,my God wants the best for you just let him heal your pain you will not forget but you will forgive. Let us be ladies of virtue......

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Reckless abandonment and diligence indeed.

For those who have read lady in awaiting title of this blog is familiar, yep started yesterday and already am feeling like ive wasted so much of my precious life and time and single hood in pursuit of happiness from earthly standards rather than heavenly ones....where is your treasure stored today? Whats in your alabaster box ? Well mine was filled with a great career, meaningful relationship,kids then ministry etc yes sometimes i held back from doing things since i dint want to disrupt this plan....
Well in reckless abandonment am learning how to take all my dreams,fantasies to Jesus to let him guide me,lead me, teach me, am learning to stand naked at his presence with nothing to call my own,nothing hidden away just incase things dont work out. Completely giving of myself as a bride does on her wedding nite....
Ive chosen to break my alabaster box before my saviour for he is worth it. I dont want my relationship to be about what i get but what i give, oh how i long for the day i will see you face to face to behold your beauty....i no longer want a mediocre relationship with Jesus but an intimate radical relationship...
Lord how my heart longs for you how i pursue your heart each and everyday of my life......giving you all that i was,all that am and all that i ever hoped to be.

As a lady of diligence i will serve you Lord, show me the areas you want me to serve in your church. As single women we are privillaged to have time and opportunity to serve God. Lets not take it for granted. All of us were created for a purpose in the body of christ dont leave an unfulfilled life...its time we stopped with the pity parties and cultivate a real relationship with God, how many of us have put our lives on hold? You know we are still waiting for the right guy,right job, right opportunity etc some of us 5 years down the line live in half furnished house since we regard it as a temporary place before you get the mansion! Well am tired of surviving even existing. I want to live! I dont want to wait for anyone or anything to live better,dress better,exercise better,go back to school, buy and look different...nah it starts now me doing all this coz am worth it. Am a child of the most high God and am promised a full life! So here are three things i personally need to do that ive put on hold.
1. Go on a holiday! Yep alone and enjoy and relax.
2. Furnish my house. its time it became a home.
3. Go for a photo shoot! I have several frames 2yrs down the line with no photos...
4. Volunteer to speak at girl schools and teens. This is my calling i think its time i answered.
5.Sing and serve at intimacy and aflewo. I have a feeling God wants me to be apart of something big this year so when he calls all i will say is yes Lord what would you have me do.
This are some of the few things..yes there is plenty believe me with God all things are possible...
So as we live now dont let your purpose pass you by find your ministry and give it your all.....

The harvest is plenty but the labourers are few.